The Enemies of Disciple-Making: Part #1: "My Story of Pride and Envy"

After graduating from Bible College I went straight into full-time, vocational church ministry. I decided not to go on to seminary because I was very anxious "to begin ministering". I couldn't wait to begin helping people full-time! That was a passion of my heart then, and it is still a passion today. I also wanted to be used of God in a BIG way! I wanted God to accomplish GREAT things through me. I was excited, optimistic and naive. I truly believed that God was going to use me as the catalyst of a worldwide revival.

Though I didn't fully realize it at the time, I had much pride, arrogance, and a self-centered desire for fame and respect. I wanted to be the pastor with the greatest (biggest) church in my fellowship of churches (GARBC). I wanted to be known as the best (#1) preacher, teacher, leader, counselor, etc. I had been reading what God was doing in many "great" churches in America and around the world. I believed in a God that was BIG enough to do great things through me. I had "faith" that God would make me the pastor I wanted to be and that He would give me the results I wanted to have. If God could do it for _________ (insert Mega-Church pastor's name here), He could do it for me (tremendous emphasis on me)!

I had visions of a church of 20,000 members. (I am not joking, you can ask my wife. I not only wanted these things, but I truly believed this was what God was going to do through me.) My church would be the epitome of the Great American church and the fulfillment of the American pastor's dream. While attending conferences at large churches I would walk around the facilities and dream of bigger and better things at my church. I would spend time in large church auditoriums trying to count how many people they could seat in one service. A worship center that seated 10,000 wasn't enough. I couldn't wait to have an auditorium that seated 20,000 people (I can't believe Joel Osteen beat me to it!).

Not only did I envy facilities, but I also envied ministries. I wanted to have ministries to every group and subgroup known to man. My church would have any and every ministry you could think of. If you could dream it, my church would have it!

At this time in my life God was doing a work in me in the area of discipleship. Through a number of books written by Bill Hull on discipleship (recommended by my father), I began to come to a conviction that every believer was a disciple, and therefore needed to be discipled. As God has continued to work on my heart this conviction has become firmer. In the past five years God has used the conviction and biblical emphasis of discipleship to root out the pride and envy in my life. I have come to realize that these dreams, goals, and visions were mine and not God's. They flowed from a heart full of pride and envy. These self-centered goals kept my mind fixed on the wrong things and kept me from emphasizing the right things. As God has changed my heart, the visions of grandeur have faded and now I don't even have a fuzzy etch-a-sketch idea of what the church God calls me to pastor will look like.

What I have come to realize is that I am nobody special (my brothers have known this all along). I'm just a tiny goldfish in a very small fish bowl. I am not that smart, not that profound and not much of a preacher/teacher. I don't know what God is going to do with me, but I no longer expect to pastor a large church. I actually see myself in relatively small churches the rest of my life and that is fine by me. Because it is not about ME, it is all about GOD! What He decides to do in and through me is up to HIM (It always has been whether I realized it or not!).

He has called me to be a pastor. I am to fulfill the Great Commission - "make disciples of all the nations". Everything else is in His hands.

To God be the glory!